A Short Practice for White Ally Anxiety Management
I am settling now, in the wake of March 16th’s murder of eight people, six of them Asian women by a white man in Atlanta. I cannot imagine, relate or speak to what must be the brutal terror of being a brown or black person living with the unpredictable threat and reality of white supremacist, mysogenistic and many other iterations of violence. And there has of course been additional violence since then. I’m a slow processor.
Given that, this maybe coming a bit late in response to only the most recent high profile example of racial terror, but I’m sadly certain it won’t be the last, so my hope is that it can still be useful. What I share here is not as a replacement to the necessary attention going to the anti-racist/anti-colonial work of BIPOC folks, particularly Asian femmes coming into the spotlight at this time. Rather, what I hope I can do is to speak to my friends and comrades who are white and who are generally “in the work” or attempting to be, and offer some subtle but in my opinion really important skills of engagement. I’m not the first to say these things by any means, but maybe it will land in a more helpful way for a few more people this time around.
Perhaps like me, you had all your allyship alarm bells ringing that week (and maybe still) (again, not equating these to the immediate life-and-death alarm bells of BIPOC folks, particularly at this moment AAPI femmes).
I’m talking about the allyship alarm bells that, if you’ve spent any time even peripherally in the social justice world, come with a rapid-fire inner script. It it likely some variation of paralysis and hyperactivity that may read something like this:
(Seeing a few posts on social media): Whao. Is something happening? What just happened? (Googles “Atlanta shooting”): Fuck. Ok. This just happened. (Scans a few articles): Ok. Ok. God. I can’t read this. Ugh. No. You have to know about these things. Push through. (Returns to social media, scrolls, sees sporadic pertaining posts): Ok. What do I do? (Searches for the handful of Asian friends/colleagues, reads their posts): I should share one of these. Should I? Should I comment first? Hm. (Continues scrolling with this un-namable feeling of being watched while taking a test) Should I ask them how they’re doing? Ok wait. So-and-so just commented there to NOT ask how they’re doing...but that other post said “Check in on your AAPI friends”...hmm (Googles AAPI, then goes and eats something sweet, shoots a few texts off to white and BIPOC friends)(hours later, back on social media, composing a message to a Korean-American colleague you haven’t talked to in 6 months) “Hey, I just wanted to check in…” (You work on 2 sentences for 10 minutes, and reread it 12 times. Finally:) Gah. No. (Delete. Read 3 more articles, share 1).
I’ll admit: I was in a variation of the above spin for about half a day before I realized I was in the spin. And when I’m in the spin, there are only 5 options: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, faint. My personal go to’s, when it comes to allyship, are freezing (an inability to do anything, which is easily confused with the conscious and at times radically anti-colonial choice to do nothing) and fawning (an unquestioning deference, which is basically what the industry has trained white allies to equate with being a good ally). Fainting (metaphorically/emotionally) also works very well to totally desensitize to the reality that my white conditioned survival skills of maintaining equilibrium via knowledge-accumulation, saviorship, problem-solving, and self-flagulation, though these may temporarily dampen or divert, won’t actually do a damn useful thing in the face of the searing anguish of racialized violence (more honestly, it won’t make the grief and rage of black and brown folks “go away”); nor will it eliminate the deep pit of existential dread forming out of the unavoidable bond of kinship I have with the ghost of white supremacy and the bodies it possesses.
Though one can do damage when in them, there is nothing innately wrong with any of these states. They just aren’t states that foster good allyship because the motivation from these states will ultimately be about re-securing one's own sense of safety and secure attachment. Because whiteness has left most white folks with inflated material resources but shitty cultural resources that offer real sustenance, for white folks attempting to be allies, “safety” typically means approval from their BIPOC peers. And that’s not “accountability,” that’s just codependent trauma-bonding.
I first learned one term for this--”optical allyship”--from Layla Saad. I am grateful for her articulation of many really valuable concepts. However, few of the allyship resources I have encountered actually get down to the how not to do this. I respect that that doesn’t have to be Layla’s job.
But what it results in is a lot of white folks with a lot of concepts without much actual skill or sensitivity to the actual world and relationships we live in. This is great for creating automatons (who can’t dance or think for themselves), but not for nurturing cultures that move beyond the capitalist/colonial educational and relational model.
A dear friend of mine once described working with a group of eager white folks as akin to watching 4 year olds play soccer: you know, where the ball gets kicked and the whole herd of them *tramples each other* to get after it, only to have it kicked to the opposite corner, to which the whole lil herd *dashes with tenacity* to the other side...I tell you: I FEEL THAT 4-YEAR OLD.
The most significant thing that has actually helped me in this regard is the Japanese somatic practice of hara or belly breath/awareness which I have learned through the mentorship of Tada Hozumi. And to be totally honest, it took me about three years of practice before I had a real inner felt sense of authentic, un-scripted/not-rule-following cross-cultural engagement. I’m not saying wait three years before you do anything (since that’s probably driven by white perfection anyway). Absolutely keep doing all the things.
But also, to return to the moment we are in, this is what I wrote to a white peer who had reached out to me that week:
...What comes up for me is to keep in mind the peak-valley-recovery cycle. Have we talked about that? So all things metabolize through a cycle that looks like an EKG: digestion, breath, learning a language, and social movements. And the most intense part is what we might call the "peak", but where health/healing happens is being able to go through the whole cycle and then level out to a new "baseline", optimally in a more stable place than you started. Events like the atlanta shooting are "peaky" in that they take us closer to our threshold of tolerance ie. That line that if we cross takes us into our trauma modes. Of which performative things, "fawning", in white allies is definitely one. So is numbing/avoidance, on the other end..
...yeah when I started seeing posts and things from other people I was like oh wait should I be doing something? My "ally" alarms started ringing! But when I feel underneath, the feeling is high in my chest, more fear-ish, and the thought is: don't get caught being a lazy ally! Which is going to feel self-serving for anyone I might "check in" w. I have been trying to feel into the places where I have genuine relationships, and asked my belly what's authentic for me to do right now, what's continuing to build the web of resources that will sustain and that isn't just a scramble in the peakiness of the moment…
If you ask your belly what would be authentic for you to do right now, what do you get?”
I’m honestly not sure I explained it correctly to my peer above, but I learned about this “peak-valley-recovery” framework from Tada, who I believe got it from Teresa Matteus of the Mystic Soul Project and TRACC(Trauma-Response And Crisis Care)4 Movements. Check them out.
I offer the practice below not as a prescription or a new set of rules, but rather as some adjunct awareness as you engage and tend to all that is arising for you to tend.
Before you act, see if you can connect to a sensation in your belly or lower body. This might begin with gently stomping your feet, patting your legs down with your hands, or doing a couple of low squats. What this ideally does is returns you to your body awareness and re-engages your perceptivity beyond your logical problem-solving or self-image-driven mind.
Take several breaths into your belly, perhaps imagining your breath rising into you from the earth. See if you can sense in yourself that wisest part of you, that center place of desire and choice.
As/from your belly, ask that wisest part of you: what is your genuine next step? Let the answer arise, without thinking too hard. Let the answer be humble, something that might not feel good or be sexy or make you “look good.” It might be something that looks “selfish.” Grief and rest aren’t out of the question--in my opinion, consciously done, these also are essential practices that rewire the whiteness overfunctioning and saviorship; as well as disentangle from codependent dynamics with BIPOC peers and movement leaders.
Be ok being a disappointment and not doing the "right" thing. The question “Who am I doing this for?” can also be a helpful filter of discernment. If the answer is “myself” pause and ask kindly what of your own needs are attempting to be met in this moment. Treat the answer that arises tenderly, like the words of a child, and tend to those needs. Then go back to Step 1 (for the rest of your life).
It was through doing this very practice that I was guided to write this post. Though it may not be what everyone needs, may it even in a small way contribute to the world I long to see, where all of creation has what it needs to be well.
I offer my deep gratitude to Tada Hozumi, Dare Sohei and Larissa Kaul, who are each uniquely gifted in improvisational magick and the art of giving no fucks.